I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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