Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You need a sexual gate keeper
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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