I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
