if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
