Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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