Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
