Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
