i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
