I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
