your parents love me but you hate me
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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