maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
