I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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