just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
