Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
