And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The beer is more important than you right now.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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