Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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