If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
