Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
