Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
