I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just found a bag of teeth...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
