and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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