my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
