You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Verdict: uncircumcised.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
