i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
