at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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