Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
