I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
