I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
