Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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