I want to make a zoo with you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
