I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
