and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
