I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
