I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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