I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
