Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
