that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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