They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You ruined the universe
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
