a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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