My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
