I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
did you just send me my own nude
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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