we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
