you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?