i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke