I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it