My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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