dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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