She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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