My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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