Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
