i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize