Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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