Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
