Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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